I tend to set a lot of goals and try to have high expectations for myself. I believe each of our stories, our lives, are a piece of God's story. I want to be a piece of God's story.
But - Sometimes it feels like many of my pages "don't make the cut", sort of like the pile of crumpled paper by an author's trash can. Writing is usually full of revisions and scratched ideas. A writer takes a page full of scribbles, wads it up, and tosses it to the nearest trash can. I have envisioned many of my days ending up in that pile. I have moments and times where I feel like I have been a part of God's work. I hope and strive for the pages that might end up in a beautiful manuscript of God's love, but that trash pile seems to grow.
There are days that seem unimportant in the grand scheme. I fed my family, made it to work, got the kids where they needed to be, and even snuck in a few hugs. Nothing that changed the world. I wouldn't even call it the most successful attempt at the normal. I know I'm in God's story; that He is in the midst of it all. But, most pages of my life seem insignificant.
Then there are seasons that seem to just disappear or feel more like a gap between here and there. Times of waiting. Times of wondering. In many ways waiting for adoption can seem like a gap, as if pieces of our lives are on hold.
Times of worry and hurt are the hardest. Why would those pages be included. You really just want those to disappear, anyway, and be thrown even farther than the trash pile. Sitting in a surgical waiting room. Watching monitors in a NICU. Worrying in the middle of the night. Praying for healing. . . . .
It's true. I would like to pick and choose the pages God includes. (I haven't even mentioned the ones of true failure. When I lost my patience, was too lazy, or couldn't get my kids to stop fussing.) I often assume that God is also picking and choosing which parts can be included.
I've realized that my feelings are wrong. My view of my pages is not the same as God's. My "unimportant" days are important to Him. (Psalm 139: 1-16)
Even the seasons of wait are fruitful in time. (Psalm 25:5) God can use those days to teach me, strengthen my spirit, or lead me to help others. Waiting just becomes an excuse, an excuse for complacency. We have to press forward and make every day count. We can't wait for the perfect scenario or for things to line up the right way. We act in faith and obedience.
Times of hurting don't make sense.
They are not God's will, but He is there. (Psalm 73:23-26) (Psalm 23:4) Don't throw those pages away. They bring us closest to the depths of God's love, and He uses them for good.
Thankfully I am not the editor of this life, and I am seeking to also relinquish control as the author. I am living God's story. He is using me, in spite of me. Every day is a piece of His work. My life is an offering, as imperfect as it may be. Why? You might be wondering. Why and how can He use every page? Why would He even read some of them? Because the black ink is gone. My life is written in red. (1 Peter 1:18-20) Every page.
