Beyond Emotions

We've been in the adoption process for over a year now.  I've learned more than I could have imagined and grown in ways I never expected.  Most of this journey is very hard to put into words.  Lots of people love us and join in our struggles. I try really hard to explain things and answer questions.  It's hard, though.  Mostly because the circumstances around adoption don't make sense.  The life and world God created was not meant to include adoption. Adoption is a beautiful piece of God's redemptive work, but the reality is that adoption is a result of heartache, suffering and loss.  There aren't words to explain most circumstances that result in adoption.  It's not a piece of the perfect plan, but it is a Godly response.  Another element is the legal and formal process involved for adoption.  Just the word "legal" spins my head into threat of confusion.  The processes around our country and world vary, and there is simply no easy explanation for any of it - or the time it takes.  You feel sort of like you are wandering a maze blindfolded.  Prayer is your only real grasp at sanity as you baby-step through.  The financial part hovers over you like a mysterious cloud.  Thankfully, you feel the umbrella of saints standing with you along the way.  And these are the precious people that I try to keep informed.  They join our journey, and I want them to understand why and how and of course when. 
I've learned a lot about God's gifts and how He empowers us.  From the moment we felt called to adopt, we felt burdened for our child.  Somewhere a girl is needing us, waiting for us.  Again, this is something you can't explain with words.  Part of my heart instantly went into reserve for this child.  She needs me.  I began to hold out a certain pain and worry for her in my heart.

Last Father's Day, we wanted to do something special for Kevin.  We wanted to honor, not only his amazing Daddy Skills for Drew and Kate, but also the love he was pouring out in advance for our little girl.  We created some artwork to represent the work God was doing in our family.  Drew made a "Faith" piece, and Kate made a "Hope" piece.  A "Love" piece remains unpainted until our little girl is with us to add the color.  Faith, hope and love are steadfast and fundamental to the work God does in us.  And as the scripture tells us, the "greatest of these is Love".  (1 Corinthians 13:13) Without love, the rest doesn't matter.  That's what adoption has meant in our family.  It's taught us more about God's love and has helped us grow in love.
Faith, hope and love.  Yes, I can cling to that as my heart breaks and hurts for my little girl.

 Then we came to a big moment in October.  We officially completed our major work in starting this adoption.  All of our paperwork (the Dossier) arrived in Ethiopia.  We began the desperate hoping and praying that the years of waiting for a referral would miraculously melt down into weeks or months.
Then my grasp on reality was challenged.  I had stabilized my emotional state to a certain reserve of worry.  I was holding back this little bit of my heart and emotions to sort of keep a constant state of worry for our little girl.  I felt obligated to that.  I was resigned to not completely relish and enjoy my splendid life until she was rescued.  It's not fair to walk happily along while she is facing grief. 
And then the gift.  A gift straight from God.   A baby.  The end of October brought a big shock.  The gift of another child.  There's no purer joy in all of life than to be blessed with a baby.  What was God thinking?  First of all I simply don't deserve the two gifts I already have, and now a surprise blessing.  Doesn't God realize that I can't have that kind of joy right now?  I am grieving.  My spirit and heart are hurting for the child I wait for.  I can't do both.  My emotions don't work that way.  Bringing new life into the world is pure, boundless joy.  How do I hold out this grief for my adoptive daughter when I know the joy will be so strong.

Now if this is not making sense to you, I apologize.  Like I said, it's hard to put this journey into words.  But it's true.  At first, I was scared to receive the gift of Joy.
But, once again a lesson learned. God taught me more about emotions.  The Fruit of the Spirit is a gift.  Even faith, hope and love are gifts.  We receive them by choosing His Spirit, and they are nothing like fleeting emotions.  And unlike emotions, they hold power.  Faith, hope and love hold us, sustain us and bridge us between where we deserve to be and where God wants us to be.  They fill the gaps, joining us with God and with each other.  Now, joy.  Joy is underestimated.  It has a value in life that we overlook.  "The joy of the Lord is our strength."-Nehemiah 8:10  Joy entered my body and heart in an amazing way with my little son, Luke.  I understood it with Drew and Kate, and claimed it in a whole new way with Luke.  "The joy of the Lord is my strength."  Adoption makes you weary.  But, I've learned that God doesn't need my emotions.  My little girl doesn't benefit from my worry or fear.  I can give all the work over to God.  I can pray and pray and pray and be strengthened by His joy.  God's work is far beyond emotions.  Emotions are created in me.  Faith, hope, love and joy are created by God and have power.

Now our wall for Daddy says "Faith", "Hope", "Love" and "Joy".

All gifts from my God. 

Both "Love" and "Joy" will soon have color.